I have too many secrets.

I’ve let people take advantage of me for far too long now. I literally bent over backwards trying to keep a calm and cool head over things I should have just not given two shits about. Apparently being too caring and worrisome can have extremely negative consequences. I basically drove my life 80 mph right into a brick wall. I’ve come out scarred, damaged, and scared. But there comes a point in life when you grow tired. I am tired of getting hurt by the people I trust the most and I am tired of everyone’s expectations. I am making my own rules now. If I’m not the person you thought I was, then you weren’t the person I thought you were.

I will no longer accept any judgements of my actions and decisions. I know the consequences. If you would like to offer some advice or guidance, I will be more than willing to listen to you but do not take it as a personal attack if I decide to go against it. We are adults and I expect any problems that occur to be taken up with me, not with other third party bystanders.

My actions reflect my life. I know now that maybe being completely self-less isn’t the best idea. I end up hurting myself and giving those who want to hurt me everything they could dream of.

Selfishness. A completely horrible characteristic. Yet just because everyone is selfish, selflessness won’t get me anywhere.

No more distractions. I am getting my shit together and I will welcome anyone who wants to join this ride. For those who don’t, goodbye.

We all have that one song that completely describes exactly who they are. It sometimes takes longer for us to find that song, but I think I found mine at the young age of 10 without even knowing it.

The song that best describes me is “I’m Like a Bird” by Nelly Furtado.

I remember people hating that song, calling it stupid, lame, retarded, etc.

But I also remember listening to it on a mix CD that my friend had given to me in elementary school. I can see it very clearly actually. It was spring or summer, and it was extremely sunny with a slight breeze. I was out back on my porch and I was treating the wooden beams as balance beams walking with my arms out like an airplanes wings, balancing myself. This song came on on my CD player and I loved how it sounded. It was so calming. I had no idea what the words were or what they meant. I just loved the way it was sung and how I could just sway to it.

Fast forward 10 years and I’m sitting at the kitchen table of my first apartment that I got with friends from college. I am a sophomore who has potentially screwed up her academic career, and her relationship with her family. But in the midst of a couple ten thousand kids, I have never ever felt more alone and I just can’t figure out why. I had been looking for music and I came across someone with a tattoo of birds. It just made me think of how I am this ball of energy that keeps repressing herself. It made me realize how much I really am like a bird. I’ve never had a best friend. I never considered one place my “home”. I hate staying in one place or doing the same thing continuously over and over again. I love taking risks, while keeping common sense in the back of my mind. Then thinking about how I can’t stay in one place for too long, I was reminded of the song that I used to listen to.

And now as I listen to it on repeat, my heart is just crying. It is just crying it’s heart out and because I can’t physically cry, my head is pounding. It’s as if the more I want to let my tears flow, the sharper the pain is. And I don’t even know why I want to cry. There is just so much I want to say and yet I’m afraid to utter a single word.

When I care about others, I truly care about them. I love them with all my heart. And even though I may not show it all the time, when they hurt, I hurt a trillion times more. So whenever I think they hurt because of me, the pain becomes so unbearable. But I never show it because I’m scared. I’m scared of the weakness and vulnerability and just knowing that I care that much; that it matters THAT much to me. So I just hold it all in. I hold it away from everyone else.

I just hold it all in because I’m afraid to let go. And when I can’t hold it in anymore, I run away.

Nothing ever lasts. As much as I keep trying to prove this wrong to myself, the more I keep proving that it’s true.